Hi Everyone,

I returned home last night from Bend, OR after racing in the Master's Nation Cross Championships.  The racing over there isn't finished quite yet. Troy Kindred raced shortly after I left town. John and Lisa Curry race today (Sunday) in the elite men's and women's races and Linsey Campbell races in the collegiate women's championship.  The contingent from Montana was impressive.  We had lots of very good results, Jesse Doll finished 3^rd in the men's B, Shaun Radley finished13^th both riders rode super strong.  Jesse unleashed the kind of power we have watched him use all year long.  Linsey finished 12^th in the women's B.  Frank Gonzalez had a great and very determined race in the men's 45-49 master's race finishing 13^th on the day and John Fiore finished 34^th.  Michael Longmire finished a fourth in a tight sprint in the 55-59 race.  I would swear that John Weyhrich finished around 14^th in the masters 50-54.  I was watching his race and was counting his position while warming up.  The results say otherwise. The official result say something like 44^th so I am not sure what happened at the end of his last lap which was out of my view.  John didn't have a great starting position but he made his way quickly to the front.

 I raced in the master's 40-44 race. I lined up with about 180 other guys eager to find the front of the field.  We were only moments from the start of a race that for me began about a year ago when I learned that Master's Nat's was going to be held in Bend.

Bend, OR is a relatively close and very scenic drive from Missoula.  I was out of shape and had no fitness to speak of but I had a year to get ready.  I ran into Elliot Bassett one early January morning in the weight room he asked if I was getting ready for the road racing season.  I told him that I was training for cyclocross and I had about 11 months to get ready for 'Cross Nat's.  He said with all sincerity "I think you will need all 11 months".  No offense was intended; he went on to mention that I did not look like the same person he met several years back when he first moved to Missoula.  I was about 20lbs over race weight and my legs were all but devoid of muscle.

'Cross Nat's was not a New Year's resolution but it was my focus the entire year.  It was my goal and my motivation.  A bit silly really.  A youthful endeavor; something that a man in his mid forties should have put behind him years ago.  But regardless of the frivolity of the ambition I was aiming for a good performance in Bend.  I never thought much about the journey.  Only that as the year progressed I would seek out small milestones.  An August criterium in Missoula showed me I still had leg speed but needed more power.  A two-day three race set of cyclo-cross races in Victor, Idaho showed me I still new how to win but that my endurance was still lacking.  Rolling Thunder was my first big test against a strong field.  I felt satisfied that even though my result there didn't show it I was making good progress.  I was steadily losing weight and getting stronger.  My legs were responding to my requests and demands with a bit more vigor.  Even after a day of intervals and working my legs in the weight room I was able to have a good race.  I managed to finally beat Bob Presta at the final Montana race of the season.  It was something that I felt I was capable of doing but had not managed to do all season.  Bob impressed me with his racing all season.  He was one of the strong men that loved to dominate a race - even if it was the Wednesday night races.  The result was a good sign of progress and provided a lot of motivation three weeks before Bend.

The final couple of weeks before Bend were tough for training but I persevered.  Thanksgiving and lots of food and travel but I managed to stay on the bike.  The frigid temps never cooled my resolve although I did have to ride that damned trainer indoors.

Back at the start line we waited for the gun.  I was staged in 91^st  position out of a possible 200 rider field.  A field that I think ended up being only about 170 riders.  The sun was beginning to warm things up.  The cold breeze that was blowing earlier stopped before the start of our race.  Or if it was still blowing I forgot about it.  All I was looking for was the spaces between riders that I would have to slot through if I were to get anywhere near the front.  I knew my chances were slim with such a poor starting position but I was not going to lose faith that perhaps there was a way.

The gun went off and instantly, instantly I saw openings appear in front of me.  I slotted through holes and moved forward quickly and carefully.  Within seconds I was out of the nineties and into what looked like maybe the forties.  Excellent! This day is going to workout.  Suddenly in front of me and just off to the right I saw two riders bump.  The rider on the left was going down and was taking down the rider to his left.  The rider on the far left was the rider that I was moving up on because I could see that he had a clear line in front of him.  I have seen this situation before (just not at the very beginning of a race), a simple, fast straightaway.  No reason for a crash but this is cyclocross and that first turn becomes so important.  At times like this when a crash is about to happen time all of a sudden moves slowly.  The action around you slows down and small, usually imperceptible movements appear clearly. I hoped that a small hole would open up between the falling riders.  That was not to be this morning.  The rider in front of me went down and landed hard on his back.  He was sprawled out lengthwise in front of me.

In the slow motion moments before impact it is amazing the number of thoughts and actions that can take place in less than a tenth of a second.  I thought for a (very) brief moment that I could bunny hop and ride over the downed rider.  I had done it before with success about half the time. It can really hurt the rider on the ground because often times your chainrings and pedals nail him after your wheels do but it might keep me going.  Just as I approached him I looked down and he turned to look at me.  It was Bryan Fryckman from Bozeman.  How could it be that the two and only two Montana riders in this damn race were going to both be on the ground momentarily.  Brian and his wife Amy had just made dinner for several of us the night before which included elk meat that the Curry's had brought over from Bozeman.  Change of plans.  The last thing I wanted was to cause any more injury to Brian that what I was about inflict.  I grabbed my brakes as hard as I could and prepared for flight.  At the moment of impact I looked down at Brian and shouted "Shit Brian, I am really sorry about this" For the first time in a long time I was not thinking about my race but about the damage I might potentially inflict on my friend.

My broken concentration lasted for less than a moment.  I snapped back to my present situation and realized that I was quickly being passed by all the men I had just passed and more.  I grabbed my bike hoping that the impact didn't do any damage to me or my bike.  I would think about it later.  Right now I just had to get my self moving forward.  For a very brief moment I thought that my race was done.  Why bother continuing.  Even though the race had just begun there would be no way to find the leaders any more.  Such is the nature of cross racing.  But those thoughts lasted for only a moment.  I was here I was racing and this is what I had worked so hard for all year.  In situations like this, I thought, there is no reason to not give yourself the opportunity to seek out new levels of performance regardless of circumstance.

The race went quickly.  The first lap was crowded.  I have never been in such a tight crowd of racers bumping and sliding on the mud, grass and ice.  I had one early bobble trying to avoid another crash and that sent me to the ground one more time albeit briefly.  The remainder of the race I spent chasing and passing people.  I didn't have my best legs of the year but what I lacked in strength I tried to make up for with my determination.  Every turn of the pedals was done in earnest and with a strong desire to move me forward.  With a few laps to go I could hear folks like John Weyhrich, John Fiore, Shaun Radley and Chris Grealish shouting at me.  They were letting me know my placing as well.  With about 4 laps to go I heard Shaun yell that I was in 57^th place and that I was making progress.  57^th place? What the &@*!&*%#@!  Progress?  This is not how my race was supposed to turn out.  But it is a race and I was not going to stop.  I continued to pass riders.  I battled momentarily with a few but I was going to race as though I was going for the win and these guys were not going to go as fast as me, not today.  The laps passed and Shaun let me know my position improved with each lap (which was very encouraging) but I was watching the leaders far off in the distance racing minutes ahead of me.  No matter the race is forty five minutes long I was feeling good and I was going to give everything I had for 45 minutes.  I don't remember feeling tired or fatigued.  I just matched the flow of the course with the groove in my head.  Continually pushing, hoping to catch one more rider after I passed the last one.  In the end the last rider I passed was about 10 meters before the finished we both put in a hard sprint and I managed to pass him at the line but really it did not matter we were racing for 31^st position. I don't think anyone even noticed us finish.

It was not until the end of the race that I realized how hard I had been riding.  I was having a hard time catching my breath and my legs had a hard time holding me up.  I was too tired to pull the transceiver off of my ankle and give it to the official.  I was disappointed.  I expected to finish far higher than I did.  Everyone offered their congratulations.  They told me I rode strong and had an impressive finish given the circumstances I am not sure how I responded and I hope I did not appear ungrateful but at that moment frustration, anger, disappointment made up my complete emotional repertoire.  I felt defeated and that I had let my self down some how.

In reality I was lucky just to be out racing in Bend and spending time with friends.  I heard lots of people moaning and complaining about one aspect of the course or another or the weather or what have you.  I saw one guy huck his bike in anger.  That behavior only serves to create more damage - to your psyche, to your relationship with sport and to your bike.  It is only a bike race after all.  The course was great, the weather was perfect - really, and the crowd was amazing to listen to.  There was absolutely nothing to complain about. 

John Fiore and his son Bridger and I talked a bit about the importance of competition but also about the luxury of competition.  Given our good fortune we should strive to enjoy every minute of it.  I am a competitive person so a very high placing would really be the most satisfying end to the weekend  But none of our results are going to change the world was what John told Bridger, so enjoy the opportunity.  John's words resonated in my head during the race.  It helped maintain my determination during the race.  I challenged myself to find a faster line each lap, to take a few more chances and ride each lap faster than the previous lap.  It was my own competition with myself.

I am still disappointed in my result.  I wish things would have turned out differently.  I had the drive home to think about things.  I had very high expectations.  I don't think they were too high.  If circumstance were different perhaps I would have finished with a higher placing perhaps not.  I had time to think about the race, think about the season, think about the strong mutual support that Montana racers are so fortunate to enjoy.  I am thankful that Brian did not get hurt and he was able to eventually get up and finish the race as well.  I really enjoyed the opportunity to spend a super fun race filled weekend with Mike Longmire, John and Bridger Fiore, John Weyhrich, Shaun Radley, Linsey Campbell, Bill Cochran, Alan Adams, The Curry's, The Frykmans and the myriad friends that I had not seen in a long time but that showed up from all around the country to race in Bend.  I am thankful that the folks here at Missoula Bicycle Works were patient and supportive me taking off in the middle of the day to go train and mostly I am thankful for the support that my family has given me because they knew that regardless of how frivolous my ambitions and even though it is 45 minutes riding in the mud it was something I placed a lot of importance on.

I don't know yet if I will go back to Bend next year to try and do better.  Right now I am feeling a bit deflated.  It is quite a contrast to how I was feeling a year ago today when I heard that Nat's were going to be in Bend.  I will likely decide after I have time to fully digest last season.  Right now I am going to enjoy some down time and enjoy the great memories of rediscovering my bike in 2009.  We will see what discoveries will be made in 2010.

Ps:  I spoke to Brian about the wreck at the beginning of the race.  He said he didn't remember what exactly happened to the guy on his right.  Only that he saw the guy falling onto him.  The next thing he remembers was looking up and seeing me flying over him and yelling "Shit, Brian I am really sorry about this".  I am glad he was able to laugh about it afterward